By Lynsey Gallagher, MA, LPC
Name this story:
A child who loves and idolizes his father loses his parent and is made to believe that it is his fault. He runs away, withdrawing from everything and everyone he has ever known.
Every great story begins with trauma. The truth is, the above description may fit many stories you’ve heard, but the particular story on my mind is Disney’s The Lion King. This movie is perhaps on my mind when I consider trauma because no matter how many times I’ve watched it since I was a child, I still get teary when Mufasa dies and Scar says to Simba, “Run. Run away and never return.” Apologies for the spoilers, but you’ve had 26 years to watch the film.
The story above doesn’t just fit fiction that makes it to the silver screen, it also characterizes a common response to trauma and loss. When we experience a moment, or many moments of great fear, our minds and bodies, in their honest and compassionate attempts to cope with those moments, distance themselves to protect from that event ever recurring. For Simba, this distance was literal, putting as many miles between himself and Pride Rock as his little paws would take him. If I were to guess, his inner voice might have said, “If I run away and never return, I can’t hurt or disappoint anyone else.”
You may have had thoughts like this yourself. Many people experience these thoughts or thoughts like them after loss, near death experiences, or unimaginable tragedies, but it doesn’t take an unimaginable tragedy for us to think about ourselves this way. This is why in therapy with my clients, we use a broad definition of the word trauma. Many knowledgeable and expert mental health professionals have submitted their own view of what trauma means. This is my best consolidation and personal view of what trauma means when I sit in a room with my clients: Trauma is experienced when we feel physically or emotionally unsafe and generally causes individuals to think differently about who they are and what their place is in the world. This can be anything from childhood abuse and neglect, to natural disasters and toxic relationships.
While some of the reactions to trauma listed above are fairly common, everyone responds to trauma differently. I believe however, that one of the most impactful healing processes I’ve witnessed is something that therapists call a “Corrective Emotional Experience” (Teyber & Teyber, 2016). A corrective emotional experience, or CEE, is an event that disproves the negative beliefs about oneself that are formed by trauma. For Simba, if his original belief was “I am at fault and I am a disappointment,” when he had his first CEE, meeting Timon and Pumbaa, his belief of being a disappointment shifted to “I am a valuable member of a team.” However, since he still believed he was at fault for his father’s death, he continued to keep his past a secret from his friends. Later on, we see Simba experience another CEE when he reunites with Nala, who knows more about his history and still accepts him. With some help thrown in from Rafiki, who I like to imagine as the therapist in this story, Simba’s beliefs shift again to, perhaps, something like, “I am not at fault. I am valuable and lovable, regardless of my past experiences.”
You’ll notice in Simba’s story that the CEEs become increasingly vulnerable. From sharing the present with friends who didn’t know about his past, to sharing thoughts and emotions with a significant other, and finally, taking on the responsibility of caring for the entire pride that new and loved his father, it took Simba many steps and CEE’s to achieve the healing that leaves us all with chills at the end of the film.
So, how do we seek healing from trauma in this way, when we can’t manufacture life changing experiences?
Here are some thoughts on how to become ready to accept a CEE when it presents itself:
Therapy
This idea of Corrective Emotional Experiences is a large part of my philosophy for counseling, and while some therapists might use different language for this idea, it is at the heart of many approaches to mental health counseling.
When you enter a relationship with a therapist who is able to hear your thoughts and emotions without judging them, this is a CEE in and of itself. One study estimated that 30% of the growth or “change” that happens in therapy can be attributed to the client-therapist relationship alone (Thomas, 2006).
Now, therapy is only where CEE’s begin. While I believe in this work and it’s power, I know that what happens inside the therapy room can never match the power of being accepted and loved unconditionally in your personal relationships. This brings us to our next thought on how to be ready and open to Corrective Emotional Experiences.
Testing the waters
This looks different for everyone depending on how connected we are to others and how much trauma has caused us to withdrawal, but in each of these cases, our challenge is to start looking for small and safe ways to test vulnerability. Who in our lives has proven themselves empathic and non-judgmental? What emotion could we share that is less intimidating than your deepest fears and worries? When we start by sharing small things, with people who are safe and kind, we gain confidence to be vulnerable and experience safety and security in increasingly vulnerable ways.
And when we share something small with someone and receive a positive response, sit with that feeling. Our minds and bodies have been working overtime to protect by saying that the world isn’t safe. Because of this, it’s important to give our minds some time to rest on the truth that you are lovable, acceptable, and safe when given the opportunity.
**Disclaimer: Not everyone has people in their life that they can truly be safe with. This doesn’t mean that we can’t seek healing in these situations as well. I have full confidence that these people and positive relationship with them can be found, but we can also be this kind of friend to ourselves on our journey to find them. Perhaps that journey is for a different article.
May your eyes be open to the acceptance other’s extend to you. May you embrace vulnerability, sit with feelings of love and affection, but most importantly, may you extend this love and acceptance to yourself.
References:
Allers, R., & Minkoff, R. (Directors), & Mecchi, I., Roberts, J., Woolverton, L., Rice, T., John, E., Broderick, M., . . . Irons, J. (Writers). (1994). The Lion Ling [Video file]. United States: Walt Disney Home Entertainment.
Teyber, E., & Teyber, F. H. (2019). Interpersonal process in therapy: An integrative model. Boston (MA): Cengage Learning.
Thomas, M. L. (2006). The contributing factors of change in a therapeutic process. Contemporary Family Therapy, 28(2), 201-210. doi:10.1007/s10591-006-9000-4