By Alyssa Patel, Licensed Professional Counselor
Many of us have read the parenting books that discuss types of parenting. Most of the time, parenting will be broken down into four distinct categories: neglectful parenting, permissive parenting, authoritative parenting, and authoritarian parenting. What if I told you that it could be simpler than this? As simple as trust and fear?
I have found that I often see two types of parents that come through the door for counseling services. These parents are the fear-based parent and the trust-based parent.
The Fear-Based Parent
Have you caught yourself saying things such as, “I don’t want my child to grow up entitled” or “I’m worried that they don’t understand how the real-world works”? If so, you might be looking through the fear-based lens. Fear-based parenting focuses solely on the fears of the parents. Parents could be worried about other people judging their child, the dangers of the world, and preoccupied on the “what ifs”. The parent’s fears become the enemy, and oftentimes we will see parenting where parents become overly protective, overly involved, constantly guarding, and advising their children. We can also see parents who, instead of hovering, will instead remove barriers and solve problems for their children, or even make decisions for them. When it comes to discipline, we will see fear-based parents use strategies such as time out, isolation, spanking, yelling, and other punishments that are often intended to instill the same fears in our children to behave the way that we would like them to
The Outcomes of Fear-Based Parenting
In the effort to help our children, the fear-based parent often does not realize that this style can create the opposite effect of what was intended. Children under this type of parenting have been found to develop feelings of judgement, mistreatment, anger, and guilt towards themselves, their parents, others, and the world. Children raised with fear-based parenting have also been reported to have difficulty being close to their parents. Fear-based parenting has also been linked to poor coping skills of the child once they reach adulthood. Children can even become materialistic and question sincerity of a parent’s love, especially if a parent utilizes material things to attempt to gain a closer relationship.
The Trust-Based Parent
With the poorest outcomes of children being linked to fear, it makes sense that trust would be its counter. The trust-based parent, also known as the love-based parent, is truly the opposite of the fear-based parent. Trust-based parents allow children the freedom to make decisions. The parent trusts the child’s natural instincts, judgements, and ability to learn from their mistakes. The trust-based parent supports, rather than guides, when help is needed or communicated by the child.
Many parents may be reading this and wondering, “So, you just let the kid do whatever they want?”. The answer to this is no. The trust-based parent is not the same as the permissive parent who has low demands, limited guidelines, or rules. The trust-based parent still has rules and expectations for their child, and still parents. Strategies that the trust-based parent may use instead of the fear-based parent, however, are things such as time-in instead of time-out, limit setting, affection, validating their child’s emotions, being flexible, assisting their child in regulating their emotions (think about coping skills such as deep breathing, meditation, distraction, creative outlets) and processing through them.
Strategies for Increasing Trust-Based Parenting
The following list below are recommended ways to help you move towards a trust-based parenting style:
1. Explore your anxieties about the situation you are concerned about. Often parents will find that the anxieties are rarely about their children, and more about their own experiences and insecurities.
2. Let go. Trust that your child knows what they need, and trust that they will communicate their needs to you in some way, whether it is through their actions or through their words.
3. Reframe the moment: Is my goal for my child here about my hopes for my child, or my fears?
4. Help your child solve the problem behind the problem. Many behaviors that parents find themselves concerned with, whether it is self-harm, anger outbursts, isolation, or other behaviors, are an attempt for the child to communicate something they need that they are not getting. Finding what the problem is behind these behaviors and solving this is often the key for stopping the concerning behavior.
Resources
Gray, P. (2019, March 25). The many shades of fear-based parenting. Psychology Today. Retrieved April 4, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/201903/the-many-shades-fear-based-parenting
Stonelake, M. (2018, May 18). Parenting without fear. Empathic Parenting Counseling. Retrieved April 4, 2022, from https://empathicparentingcounseling.com/parenting-without-fear-2/
Terebush, C. (2014, November 16). Fear based parenting – a scary trend. CALM. Retrieved April 4, 2022, from https://calm4kids.org/fear-based-parenting/
Wallace, D. (2020, May 3). Trust vs fear. Positive Reframe... Retrieved April 4, 2022, from https://positivereframe.org/2013/07/08/love-vs-fear/
Wilkerson, G. (2021, July 22). Moving from fear-based to love-based parenting. The ARKGroup. Retrieved April 4, 2022, from https://www.thearkgroup.org/moving-from-fear-based-to-love-based-parenting/